I know I am not young and I know I should not be doing this in these crucial weeks (week 13 out of 15) but I still do it. I don't know what I'm doing or feeling, I just want to throw everything out and even if I fail again I am okay with it (BUT I AM NOT OKAY WITH IT!).
I just feel so messed up right now.
Back to my story, I reached Uni around 12:00pm where when I reached the car park area, it started raining heavily, I felt demotivated. I just sat in the car a little longer and finished my brunch and forced myself out the door when the rain was lesser comparatively to before. I was carrying four heavy bags with me (2 reference book, 1 laptop with charger, my own bag of essentials, my heavy pencil box, a 1.6 litre water bottle and a bigger than A3 file full of paper), trying to balance them while I hold a small umbrella. Lucky enough, as I was half way out the car park, there was a silver (or white) myvi which stopped while exiting the car park. Someone rolled down the window and asked me whether I wanted a lift to campus, I was contemplating (also in disbelief) while asking:"What?", but he repeated it again. Without thinking too much, I said yes (the stuff I was carrying is like carrying my primary school backpack when I was a small little kid). Even when I exit the car, he actually pulled the front passenger seat to the front so I could fit myself and my stuff out the door in one piece. :D I felt so lucky that day, I was very thankful for that first semester communications student and I felt that God was there trying to make my day slightly better than how it was (everyday was terrible to me no matter what I did).
I went into class a little happier thinking that this is a turning point in that day. I was working on my plans while being happier (not wholeheartedly though). When class commenced at 2:00pm, the air-conditioning was not working still and my tutor left at around 3:30pm when he was supposed to stay till 7pm. I did not manage to see him because I did not print my work beforehand as I was trying to finish it in class. I deserve it, I know, but I was hoping for some leniency when you are facing a troubled student but there was none. I deserve it. Hot tears were rolling down my cheeks as I confirmed that my tutor was leaving without seeing my work. I asked him twice and asked him to stay and to please wait while I print but to no avail. I deserve this.
I don't know why am I writing this, I pity myself too much. I actually wanted to write something that I should be appreciative of (you know, to look at the brighter side of things) because having someone help me out of total helpfulness, not expecting anything back, I was really really grateful for the favour. It was really really rare.
Well, now you know how troubled I feel, being insecure about my work and having a tough time controlling myself to be more discipline without making myself feel any worser. I know I can do better, but I am not. I just allow things to control me and I feel so small facing this huge Everest. What am I to do to make the situation better? I know I need to start now, I know no matter what, I need to take the first step and keep going, not stopping to pity myself again but to tell myself I can do it, because God has placed me in a position where I am capable to deal with it, I can find strength in Him and succeed in hiking over this mountain. But every time I try, I go two steps back, I fall into the pit I dug before and continue digging deeper and deeper into my familiar valley.
I know what will happen if I took the same path as I did before- I would be paralysed by myself.
I don't want to go down there again. I want to move on, I don't want to feel this awful feeling anymore. I know by running away like this I am not solving the problem and sooner or later I would need to face the same thing again. I would be going around in circles, not moving out of that pathetic situation. I need to break away from this circle, this chain and hate this valley of familiarity that takes me no where.
Well, this is a unanticipated long post.