Monday, 12 January 2015

I woke up today from a dream...

I woke up today from a dream that I was in 5sc3 again. The settings were almost the same just that instead of one teachers's desk we had 3 in front of the classroom. I could still almost remember where we all had once sat in the classroom and Pn. Suraya as our class teacher again. I remember being afraid of my Chinese subject, needing to study 文言文 one of the things I didn't know much how to do, how some of us in the start of a new year decided to drop the Chinese subject from spm, how my teacher then would be feeling sad over the lessen number of students. But there were some who was starting to try out too, some were getting their signature in their exercise book from the teacher on the teacher's desk to officially end taking the Chinese subject. I look around the classroom and saw that it was quite bare without all the decorations of nearing festivals that we require to put up and to win the weekly best decorated classroom, and I remember how I was in charge of decorations then thinking of how I should put a vase from my home on the teacher's desk because we were all required to keep a plant on the teacher's desk then.  I was thinking how I should decorate the classroom with all those Chinese New Year deco since CNY was nearby, I was thinking how with my architecture knowledge now I can a better job at it. I knew I was dreaming then how I was thinking I could put my architecture knowledge when I was just starting another secondary school year. I knew then and I woke up, and that secondary school days are over. It was years since our last form 5 year. Those innocent looks and smiles from each other's faces, being glad to see those familiar faces around smiling back at you. I really miss it. I couldn't say I didn't miss it before but the feeling you get when you start back another secondary school year gave me such comfort and happiness how things were simple again, not so complicated, how now every step that I make I think so much more that I don't really want to take another step than bother the people that surround me, that I would be embarrassing myself from news that were old to me but new to you.
I remember how Pn. Charangeet (I don't remember how to spell her name already) actually commented on how nice the words pasted on top of the white boards were and how I got the spelling wrong for Environment's day and Irina pointing it out and I was using a black pen to fill in that missing 'N'. Haha, I was really surprised that someone would actually compliment the deco I placed on and of course a little proud of myself but I still remember how I was a lazy one and my class monitor would be angry and disappointed that I didn't put up the decos again. I was missing wearing that yellow tie in my dream and thinking back how Ee Hwa said I may be too busy being already being a librarian and still being in charge of deco in our class. She was kind of right, but I just say I could handle it then. Haha, I remember juggling between my librarian work, the phantom of the opera musical practices, the deco in our classes, and homework. Not that I did a great job on any of them but I could manage to slip in some band practices in the beginning of the year too and plenty of doing whatever I want time.

Seeing now how I would walk around thinking that people looking at me were judging me, I stop looking at people's faces. I think like that because I unawarely would judge so myself of others, I have to admit. How I see my life as not as interesting or full of amazing news as others, in fact these past few years I was in a slump, facing my past, how I behave was so bad that I would cower over my past. How right now I am not confident on how I should be so that I could be at ease with myself, be a confident and self-esteemed human being.

There are things that I want to do with my life but all I want to do now is to drown in a book and forget about my life. My goals and dreams I put in a temporary halt.

I read an article recently about not giving a f*** so often when you should be only focusing on giving it a few times, when it is only needed, but it also says that doesn't mean you should be indifferent about the situation. How right now I am being indifferent about my life and how reading this book can give me temporary escape from my life, reading created stories about someone's fantasy life.

I know I need to close this fiction book and get up and do what I need to do for my life. I need to not give a f*** when i don't need to and walk on and try at least. Without trying, I would definitely not make it.

I remember how adults were saying that secondary school life was one the best times and I understand what they were saying then but couldn't really understand (emotionally) why it would be when there was so much ahead of us. I understand now. 

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