I remember how Pn. Charangeet (I don't remember how to spell her name already) actually commented on how nice the words pasted on top of the white boards were and how I got the spelling wrong for Environment's day and Irina pointing it out and I was using a black pen to fill in that missing 'N'. Haha, I was really surprised that someone would actually compliment the deco I placed on and of course a little proud of myself but I still remember how I was a lazy one and my class monitor would be angry and disappointed that I didn't put up the decos again. I was missing wearing that yellow tie in my dream and thinking back how Ee Hwa said I may be too busy being already being a librarian and still being in charge of deco in our class. She was kind of right, but I just say I could handle it then. Haha, I remember juggling between my librarian work, the phantom of the opera musical practices, the deco in our classes, and homework. Not that I did a great job on any of them but I could manage to slip in some band practices in the beginning of the year too and plenty of doing whatever I want time.
Seeing now how I would walk around thinking that people looking at me were judging me, I stop looking at people's faces. I think like that because I unawarely would judge so myself of others, I have to admit. How I see my life as not as interesting or full of amazing news as others, in fact these past few years I was in a slump, facing my past, how I behave was so bad that I would cower over my past. How right now I am not confident on how I should be so that I could be at ease with myself, be a confident and self-esteemed human being.
There are things that I want to do with my life but all I want to do now is to drown in a book and forget about my life. My goals and dreams I put in a temporary halt.
I read an article recently about not giving a f*** so often when you should be only focusing on giving it a few times, when it is only needed, but it also says that doesn't mean you should be indifferent about the situation. How right now I am being indifferent about my life and how reading this book can give me temporary escape from my life, reading created stories about someone's fantasy life.
I know I need to close this fiction book and get up and do what I need to do for my life. I need to not give a f*** when i don't need to and walk on and try at least. Without trying, I would definitely not make it.
I remember how adults were saying that secondary school life was one the best times and I understand what they were saying then but couldn't really understand (emotionally) why it would be when there was so much ahead of us. I understand now.