Saturday, 27 February 2010

What am I saying???

I have just finish reading this 111 Chapters of Tokyo Crazy Paradise!!!!!
T.T
To me...
It is very nice...
but I read it all...
and there is none left...

That's why I am sad....
after finishing this whole series..
I went to facebook and checked out all the videos that my friends posted...

I saw a lot.. @_@
some of them are quite nice.. ^^

and then this feeling came to me...

I love this author so much...
Yoshiki Nakamura...
she is also the author for Skip Beat...
I don't really know how she looks like..
But her works and really nice to me...
^^

But I got this guilt in me..
of how I treat people..
I treat some people well..
and some.. not so good....
and my mother...
I don't treat her well either.....
and I shouldn't be treating her 'that' way... even though she treats me "that" way...
because she is after all my mother...
No matter how she is still my mother..
and I can feel that I am going to hell because of how I treat her... ( not that I did something to her or anything... it's always those words that are sharper than a 2- edges sword...)

and after reading this manga ( Tokyo Crazy Paradise)
I really..
really...
feel this urge...
I have not been reading the bible..
I am not spending ANY personal time with God... (going to church is not counted...)

I am really afraid of not being able to go to heaven....
After feeling happy... from reading such a nice manga...
I want to experience all these feelings as much as I could...
I know that I can't experience these feelings when I don't go to heaven after I die....

Not that I have to read nice manga to feel like that..
I want to feel like that in the presence of God....
I find it hard to do that..
because I do not put any effort in it...

I always think...
to put God 1st,
Studies 2nd...

but that never happens...
I always put entertainment first...
whenever I can get my hands on it..
I really wanna go to heaven...
I want to see my family there...
and I want to see my friends there...
and people I admire... like Yoshiki Nakamura....
I don't know what religion she has.. or whether she has one or not...

But I want everyone to be able to go to heaven..
But I cannot ensure myself whether I can go to heaven...
What more the people I want to be in heaven with...

I know what is wrong... and I still would do it...
which is a sin... not treating my mother well is a sin.... (remember the 10 commandments? Honor your father and mother...)
and knowing this well.. I still do it...
which makes it a very big sin....

Asking forgiveness from God upon the many times I did this..
after a while.. I forget this and I would start committing the same sin again...
which after doing it... you remember you shouldn't be doing it...
and you feel so bad inside.. and outside...
that asking for forgiveness upon this same sin again and again... makes your words very unreliable.... you did it so many times after you asked for forgiveness.... why do you ask for forgiveness again and again when you are still committing the same thing... again and again.... ??

But sometimes.. those people make you so mad that you want to talk back... give them a piece of your mind..... but you can't... and you are trying to keep calm by not replying.. just in-case something slips out that it cannot be taken back... so that means silent treatment....

which is not so nice to the other person either.....
...
... what should I do??????????????

Ever since after form 5.. the voice in me.. is slowly.. fading away...
that I could barely hear it anymore...
It makes me feel even more insecure...
What happened to it?
I don't actually feel sad at times I should be ... and happy when at times I should be...
Its like having an empty shell in me...
for the voice could barely be heard....
It doesn't pierce me that much anymore...

That is why I try my best to think through what I am about to say before saying it out.... I don't want to offend anyone...
but sometimes......... your mouth just blurt it out...
=.=
and you try to cover it up...
=.=

=.=
=.=

Let's compare 2 person....
Who is more guilty?
A person who knows that he is wrong but still do it and a person who don't know it is wrong but did it...?
the 1st person of course...!
No matter how small the sin is... If you know it and yet you still do it...
Like me....
I know it and yet I still do it.... unconsciously or consciously....
What am I to a murderer who doesn't know taking ones life is a bad thing?


after reading this crap... you must be saying what is this???
this doesn't make sense at all!!!! =.=
or maybe..
childish thinking.. (for some parts)..
well... well...
I have always been told that that is very childish... =.= by my mother... =.= so much that it makes me feel that it is!! childish.. =.=
But this is my blog.. I get to write whatever I want... as long as I keep it before the line.....

=.= my parents better not be reading this... or else... =.=
Of course If I know that they are reading this then I will privatize this.... ^^
But I don't know...
But if I know.......... you know what I will do right? as I mentioned....

and to any adults reading this....
I am really hoping that whatever you read stays where you have found it.....
don't report anything to my parents... =.=
and If you think it is necessary then think about how I am going to face them?
How am I going to answer them?
Do you want me to feel even more worse??
Don't say it is none of your business how I are going to face them...
you are the one who told them...
of course it is for the better of me.. or for the worse?
=.=

What am I saying right now????
=.=
I shall stop this....
=.=
How did a happy post turn out to be an emo post??????

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